Gays celebrate immortality as study shows slow walkers are more likely to die from COVID

Great news for speedy gay stereotypes: a new study has found evidence that slow walkers are significantly more likely to die from COVID.

Health researchers based in Leicester discovered that slow walkers with a “normal” weight were nearly four times more likely to die from the virus than brisk walkers.

According to the BBC, slow walking was considered to be at a speed of less than three miles (4.8km) per hour, steady/average speed was three to four miles (6.4km) per hour, and brisk at more than four miles per hour.

That’s reassuring for gay people, who as we all know can reach land speeds of 30 miles per hour with an iced coffee in hand.

The good-humoured trope of the impossibly fast gay walk has been around for a while, with a number of theories as to its origin.

Some have speculated that gays walk fast to escape straights on the streets; others that they learned to walk to the beat of Womanizer by Britney Spears.

Or it could have something to do with the fact that LGBT+ people are more likely to live in cities, where it’s easier to get places by foot and you’re less likely to need a car.

As psychologist Ian MacRae told GQ: “The fastest walkers are men, younger people and people who live in urban areas. So already younger men in cities are the fastest walkers – perhaps gays just have an edge on that?”

Whatever the reason, we’d be fools to turn down a potential evolutionary advantage in the middle of a pandemic.

The good news spread fast on social media as queer people celebrated the rare occasion a stereotype actually worked in their favour.

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• Dec 09 2023

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