Twitter is obsessed with this utterly wholesome and completely chaotic lesbian blind date
We interrupt your never-ending drumbeat of bleak news stories to bring you this – a blind date between two queer women in which one “picked up [an] entire steak with her bare hands”.
Twitter was, as a treat, given a glimmer of serotonin after 24-year-olds Emily and Andrea took part in British newspaper The Guardian‘s blind date series, published Saturday (2 January).
From Emily dubbing Andrea “like the radiant sun in the form of a human being” to Andrea’s, well, unique dining habits, the tale gave Twitter users a rare moment of unity. Bringing together the cyclical singles and the last-minute airport dash romantics together.
‘She’d spent the entire conversation confusing philately with fellatio’
The column sees two random people matched together and, after the date, answer a series of questions ranging from describing the other in three words to giving them a rating out of 10.
Emily, a “vivacious, sultry, precarious”photographer and brewer, met “fiery, seductive, sensitive” student Andrea for the blind date almost in identical outfits – both wearing all-black – but there was one crucial difference, Emily had brought with her a £5 bouquet of flowers.
“I must admit,” mused Andrea, “she struck me as being a bit too much.” Yikes.
But the column goes from comparing people to the sun’s divine rays incarnate to, er, “confusing philately with fellatio”. You know, the study of postal stamps with the oral stimulation of a penis.
“It was only when our desserts arrived that it became apparent that [Andrea had] spent the entire conversation confusing philately with fellatio,” commented Emily.
Happens to the best of us.
Andrea, however, keeps us posted on the rest of the date, commenting that the pair had a “shared appreciation for Carole Baskin’s wardrobe. I would love to see Emily in a bit of leopard print.”
And in yet another sentence which you will undoubtedly refuse to believe is a real sentence, on whether the other had “good table manners”, Andrea comments: “Considering [Emily] picked up the entire steak with her bare hands, I’d have to say no. But who am I to judge?”
She definitely cannot judge, it seems, as Emily notes: “Aside from noticing her picking off my plate as I made my way to the toilets.” Nevertheless, she added that she appreciated Andrea’s “sexy cackle.”
But as much as you may be aggressively pairing them together, screaming at your screen right now “they’re endgame, endgame!” with the fiery enthusiasm of a circa 2011 14-year-old Tumblr user shipping two Glee characters together, things don’t end exactly end well.
Poor Emily: “I suggested we kiss over dessert but she reminded me of the pandemic,” she said. “I’d change the pandemic and I would have undoubtedly had a delightful kiss.”
Whereas Andrea had slightly different things on her mind, wishing she could have had “more free alcohol, but you can’t have it all” and after a “wild” walk to a local subway station, Emily said Andrea “went to see her ex.” Oof!
And whereas Emily rated Andrea a sturdy 8.5 out of 10, Emily received a stubby 4.5 rating.
Twitter dubs Guardian blind date ‘proof all lesbians are hilarious’ and facts are facts and water is wet
After the date was published, it immediately divided Twitter into two camps: team Emily and team Andrea. While others simply beamed in the glow of the story, enjoying the respite from the chaos of the world today.
One of the best pieces of literature I’ve ever read https://t.co/2Eo8JT5imD
— Owen Jones ? (@OwenJones84) January 2, 2021
— James Marsh ? (@JamesWillMarsh) January 2, 2021
That Guardian Blind Date is every fear I have of how I might come across to people.
— Lewis Chandler (@LewisChandler) January 2, 2021
— Mark Gettleson (@markgettleson) January 2, 2021
absolutely incredible pic.twitter.com/Cl9a1qqKBX
— nick (@NickCFarrer) January 2, 2021
This blind date is so good I can only assume they pre-planned their answers for maximum impact https://t.co/sUKPEiXrUq
— alex hern (@alexhern) January 2, 2021
Proof all lesbians are hilarious, I don’t make the rules sorry. https://t.co/t45rZdI9Aj
— The Barefoot Cuntessa ?️? (@stephLLLLL) January 2, 2021