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Joe Lycett eviscerates professional manchild Wayne Lineker and his creepy ‘girlfriend criteria’ list

Reiss Smith September 17, 2020
Joe Lycett and Wayne Lineker

Joe Lycett is the hero we need but don't deserve. Wayne Lineker, on the other hand... (Getty/Instagram)

Joe Lycett sent up Wayne Lineker after the tiresome nightclub owner shared a creepy list of requirements for his next girlfriend — all in the name of “banter”, of course.

Wayne Lineker, younger brother of Match of the Day host Gary Lineker, raised eyebrows Wednesday (September 16) by sharing his “criteria” for a future partner.

“This post is purely tongue in cheek banter” the 58-year-old wrote, to groans.

Lineker announced he would welcome applications from women half his age who “like older men”.

“You have to be a worldie and above 30 (OK 28 29 could work),” he wrote, “but not my age as that would just look weird.”

Lineker’s lucky suitor would also ideally share his love of cooking, “especially Waitrose ready made meals”, as well as “the gym” and his grandchildren.

The post inspired Lycett to launch his own search for a girlfriend.

“Ok – Let’s start this off like normal: “Strong nice loving personality,” the pansexual comic wrote.

“Now to more important things: Must like omelette. Must enjoy egg omelette. Must like scrambled egg. Must like cake with egg in it. Must like egg fried rice (but not other rice). Must like Cadbury creme egg. Must like fried egg. Must like frittata made with egg. Must like those shakshukas you get in posh coffee shops (but only if made with egg). Must like scotch egg. Must like custard (if it is egg custard). Must be Alan Sugar. Must like boiled egg.”

Something tells us he wasn’t being entirely serious – and yet, Lycett’s list of requirements was only marginally less ridiculous than Lineker’s.

The nightclub owner – who in August was branded a “creep” after sharing a video of him choosing a date from a group of swimwear-clad “dream dolls” by knocking them one-by-one into a pool – wrote in his own post that his next girlfriend “must like to travel and to fly business class and stay in incredible hotels”. Sounds easy enough.

“Be prepared to give up your career or job or at least be able to work from a laptop on a tropical beach somewhere,” he continued.

“No baggage as mine are all grown up. A dog is acceptable but will need a passport. You must be able to cook as I love cooking, especially Waitrose ready made meals. You also don’t need to be verified I can sort that for you.. house music and R&B lovers only. No heavy rock or pop music. You must like Netflix especially money heist and also real crime. No chick flicks watch them with your mates. You need to be confident enough to be able to go to the front of the queue in nightclubs and accept a table and free drinks from the owners.”

View this post on Instagram

This post is purely tongue in cheek banter..🧡 So, my family have decided I need a girlfriend for my own sanity and health…so here’s my criteria 😅 Ok – Let’s start this off like I’m normal: Strong nice loving personality ✅ Now to more important things: You must like older men but only me…You have to be a worldie and above 30 (Ok 28 29 could work) but not my age as that would just look weird 🤷‍♂️ you must like to travel and to fly business class and stay in incredible hotels. Be prepared to give up your career or job or at least be able to work from a laptop on a tropical beach somewhere. You will need to spend the summer in ibiza and the winter in Dubai with 2 weeks in Uk for Christmas and new year with the families and holidays to the Maldives…No baggage as mine are all grown up. A dog is acceptable but will need a passport. You must be able to cook as I love cooking, especially Waitrose ready made meals. You also don’t need to be verified I can sort that for you.. house music and R&B lovers only. No heavy rock or pop music. You must like Netflix especially money heist and also real crime. No chick flicks watch them with your mates. You need to be confident enough to be able to go to the front of the queue in nightclubs and accept a table and free drinks from the owners. You will need a driving license to share a Bentley and a Lamborghini Jeep (pending) ..you must never have shared a teeth whitening post!! I’m not on any dating sites you shouldn’t be too. I’m Not on only fans so you shouldn’t be too . You must love the gym, health food and have body definition as I will have soon. Accept and love my children and grandchildren and realise no more kids for me.. (never say never though) you must be able to let my PA @davehodges10 book all yours and our flights and purchase items online for you. You just need to send a link to him ..You must be able to accept my friends even @tonytrumanibiza as I will accept yours … accept I have to reply to girls DMs not just guys… One last thing. Your geography needs to be on point as girls that think Lincoln is in Wales is not good. Be intelligent but not boring. Outgoing suits 😂🙈🧡#wifeywhereyouat #justbanter

A post shared by Wayne Lineker (@waynelineker) on

The permatanned lothario is also seeking a woman who has “never shared a teeth whitening post”, isn’t on dating sites or OnlyFans (because, sadly, neither is he), and loves “the gym, health food” and has “body definition as I will have soon”.

Lineker, who, again, is 58, hopes his next lover will “accept and love my children and grandchildren and realise no more kids for me.. (never say never though)”. He later clarified the post was “a joke”.

Indeed. Anyway, here are some funny Instagram posts from Joe Lycett to make up for putting you through that. Hopefully your eyes haven’t rolled permanently to the back of your head.

View this post on Instagram

Lovely to see ur dad again

A post shared by Joe Lycett (@joelycett) on

View this post on Instagram

I can’t help myself

A post shared by Joe Lycett (@joelycett) on

View this post on Instagram

On a hot day it’s important to stay in the shade

A post shared by Joe Lycett (@joelycett) on

View this post on Instagram

just a bit of fun

A post shared by Joe Lycett (@joelycett) on

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