The Archbishop of Canterbury just declared he was ‘thirsty’ on main – and the jokes wrote themselves
Do you remember that time in the Bible when Jesus announced that he is “thirsty”?
In a line from the religious text that some educators may skip when teaching it to teens, the son of God proclaims this minutes before his crucifixion.
He’s then given a sponge soaked in sour wine.
Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, evoked this line as he tweeted Friday afternoon: “‘I am thirsty’.”
— Archbishop of Canterbury (@JustinWelby) April 10, 2020
The senior bishop and principal leader of the Church of England was quoting a line from the Bible – John 19:28-29, to be exact.
As the coronavirus pandemic pelts the world, many faith leaders are calling for unity and virtue especially as the crisis collides with Easter Weekend.
But these days, the phrase is, maybe, probably, more known for, well, saying you’re, uh, horny. A mood heightened by the current lockdown measures.
Yeah. The quote is not from the long-missing book of Thirsticus or Hornesis.
‘The Archbishop of Canterbury posting horny on main is not what I thought I’d see today.’
Twitter, of course, as a place of pure, original sin, are no stranger to pontifications of thirst, considering that basically every human in existence is, too, tweeting that they’re thirsty, the new permanent mood of the pandemic.
You know, that and, uh, paranoia and fear. Moving on! Joke time.
Archbishop, this is main https://t.co/4uPpKzfQtK
— Owen Jones? (@OwenJones84) April 10, 2020
The archbishop of Canterbury posting horny on main is not what I thought I'd see today. https://t.co/HXQBQvHsOe
— Will (@ClippedHussar) April 10, 2020
Nobody can evade the quarantine horn https://t.co/FcINo05WOj
— AB (@fio_piccolo_) April 10, 2020
Aren't we all? https://t.co/DGqrsywYo6
— obi-wine kenobi (@CaptainIberia) April 10, 2020
In speaking on behalf of humanity, safe to say that the symbolic head of the worldwide Anglican Communion nailed it here.
OK, but what does the line actually mean?
In the passage, as Jesus is prepared to be crucified, he offers the question to her captors.
He’s not casually saying he’s horny, neither is he saying he’s a little parched.
Jesus is, in fact, according to some schools of hermeneutics, fulfilling Psalm 69.
After this Jesus, realizing that by this time everything was completed, said (in order to fulfill the scripture), “I am thirsty!” A jar full of sour wine was there, so they put a sponge soaked in sour wine on a branch of hyssop and lifted it to his mouth.
As the Psalm reads: “They gave me poison for food, and for my thirst they gave me sour wine to drink. – Psalm 69:21.”
Indeed, understanding the gospel demands a textual response, some interpretations suggest, and when considering the other actions occurring during the crucifixion, John writes Jesus as very much in control.
The casting of the rope, Jesus drawing on Psalm 69:21 and the spear-thrust in preference to leg-breaking fulfil the scripture. Allowing Jesus to fulfil his mission on his accord, they say.
While Google is, indeed, free, Twitter sending the horny patrol cops into the archbishop’s mentions is a strange but unsurprising moment of 2020.