Meet the straight man who is genuinely afraid that breastfeeding will make his kid a lesbian

Vic Parsons January 14, 2020
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In short: No. Breastfeeding will not make your daughter a lesbian. Next.

Baby biting a pen, and a tired mum. (Envato/Stock image)

In the latest offering from the internet series “Are the Straights OK?”, a straight man has asked the internet whether breastfeeding will make his baby a lesbian.

Yes, really.

In a recently unearthed Yahoo! Answers post, the man is genuinely afraid that breastfeeding is “an act of lesbianism” – and shares with the internet that he is “p***ed” at his wife “for what she’s doing to my child”.

We really, really feel for his wife, who presumably is too busy caring for his children – the baby girl he’s so concerned about is his second, would you believe – to be asking questions like this on the internet.

Explaining that he, very generously, “had no problem” with his wife breastfeeding his son, now three, the man says that things are different with his second child, a girl.

“It’s been about two weeks and I cant get rid of this feeling that she’s going to turn out to be lesbian,” he frets.

“She really attacks my wife’s boobs more so than my boy when he was a baby. It just doest seem right and I cant help but wonder if this is how lesbians are made?”

Honestly, when will science put in the time and do the research to answer this vital question: Why are straight men?

The man, who – in what, on the basis of all the available evidence, has been his only smart move – used Anonymous as his name for this question, repeatedly asks for those with “experience here” to give him advice.

“Should I stay p***ed at my wife for what she’s doing to my child?” he says. Finally, in case it wasn’t clear where this was going, he ends his questions with: “I hate the idea of someone’s **** bieng [sic] forced in my baby girls face.”

Following up with an “Am I wrong?” (yes, on so many levels) and “Someone must agree” (no) “or feel the same” (still no), he finally asks the million-dollar question: “I’d like to hear answers from some lesbians if they were breastfed.”

In an alternate universe, this man proofreads his question after he posts it and sees the word “if” in his sentence. In this alternate universe, he finally understands that a fatal flaw in his thinking will be revealed merely by the existence of lesbians who weren’t breastfed.

“Points were made!” he’ll cry, before logging off, and spending his time sharing the childcare with his wife – a 50/50 split is good, but in this case we’d be tempted to go for a 60/40 in favour of his wife.


In short: No. Breastfeeding will not make your daughter a lesbian. Next.

More: are the straights ok, breastfeeding, heterosexuality, lesbophobia

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