Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone, because we’ve found the absolute worst catfish in the history of Grindr
“Are you a top or bot?” was once a question that simply asked for a guy’s preferred position, but these days, it’s the go-to way for Grindr guys to filter out robot users.
While robots taking over a dating app sounds straight out of a Black Mirror episode, the machines are unlikely to take over the world soon if this one exchange on Grindr is any indication.
In a conversation that has resulted in Twitter rising into the Astral Plane itself, portrait photographer William Vercetti shared screenshots of a Grindr conversation with features what can only be dubbed the Guinness World Record holder of Worst Catfishing Attempt Ever Made.
Grindr guy sets catfishing bar so low you could trip over it into the River Styx.
The reader has no time to prepare as they’re thrown into the blue and yellow dialogue. The unknown user is in the middle of chatting to “Bryan Khelani”.
“What brings you on here?” Khelani is asked.
“I want to call people and talk dirty,” he hit back.
Minutes passed. The clock ticked, and precisely 12 minutes later, a notification pinged. He had sent a photo.
It was of his display photo, but something was amiss.
You didn’t have to hire Coleen Rooney, though, but it was definitely below WAGatha Christie’s pay grade, because there was no case here.
this is a mess pic.twitter.com/pnbAvUHewG
— William Vercetti (@williamvercetti) January 6, 2020
The user had, and it cannot be stressed enough, literally Googled ‘normal guy selfies’, plucked the sixth search result and thought they could dupe the user.
“I can see you searched for ‘normal guy selfies’,” the user bluntly replied.
Silence. Maybe Khelani had started to malfunction, or was he busy writing there WikiHow on ‘How to be a normal selfie-taking guy’?
Twitter malfunctioned as well, as users typed ‘howling’ and ‘screaming’ as they descended down the nine circles of Hell.
When Zuckerberg is thinking about purchasing Grindr Inc, but needs to do his practical research first. https://t.co/9jfN0i549D
— Andrew Eliot Jacobs 🏳️🌈 🗽 (@aejacobs85) January 6, 2020
Im screaming! What level of ugly are you if you’re trying to catfish as “normal guy” https://t.co/3gOw45Glrl
— robbie (@robbiemixsh) January 6, 2020
NORMAL GUY SELFIES – LMFAOOOOOOOOOO https://t.co/ShA5Qr5cyK
— Jimmy – James – Jim – Jamie (@Rockettbootz) January 6, 2020
— this account peaked in 2019 (@iseeyouupthere) January 6, 2020
The ‘average man selfie’ was pulled from Beard Board, where men “freely discuss any aspect of facial hair” like the average man who takes selfies often do.
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Timestamped from 2014, the man, who is too pure for this world, was simply documenting the growth of his beard. Now he can add ‘being an average man taking a selfie’ to his résumé.