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Film and TV

The reviews for Cats are out and, well, it’s safe to say everyone has lost their minds

Josh Milton December 19, 2019
So, it's either ejecting yourself into the sun, or becoming a dog person from the looks of the reviews of Cats. (IMDb)

So, it's either ejecting yourself into the sun, or becoming a dog person from the looks of the reviews of Cats. (IMDb)

The cat’s out of the bag now, as the reviews for the anticipated cinematic adaptation of the feline musical have finally dropped.

In the avalanche of Rotten Tomatoes ratings and one stars, if you need a simple summary of them all? You’ll be in incredibly close proximity to death and/or become a dog person if you watch Cats.

Or both.

With its advanced fur CGI technology, scenes featuring cats wearing, uh, fur and an endless array of plot inconsistencies, it seems that the incomprehensible horror” of Tom Cooper’s film has engulfed the sanity of many journalists across the world.

As reporters spit out their hairball reviews, Hooper’s take on the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical adapted from TS Eliot’s book of poems in 1981 has induced haemorrhages, strokes and calls for the sweet relief of death itself.

Oh, and some awful, truly tragic cat-related puns. What else to dull the pain, apparently.

Cats sends reporters into a pocket dimension of pure pain and hilarity. 

While the full-length reviews will be analysed for years to come by film studies students, well, if Cats doesn’t bring upon Armageddon, of course:

“To think of the money wasted in creating this monstrosity is to wonder if we really deserve nice things at all, or if hell is empty, and all the Jellicle cats are here.”

Hannah Woodhead, Little White Lies.

“Worryingly erotic”

Nigel Andrews, Financial Times.

“Yet these cats are never even momentarily plausible as cats either, obviously. Rather they seem to be grotesquely deformed human beings.

“There are moments when this film seems not so much an adaptation of a nonsense classic as a horror story, nearly as obscene as The Human Centipede.”

David Sexton, Evening Standard.

Idris Elba as a naked, furry cat in Cats
Idris Elba as a furry, naked cat in the Cats trailer. (Twitter)

“I have been processing this movie for the last 24 hours trying to understand anything as terrifying and visceral a trainwreck as Cats. You have to see Cats.”

Alex Cranz, GIZMODO.

“Ray Winstone’s the creepiest cat in this feature
His Growltiger sends a sharp chill down your spine
With his hissing he looks like he’s having a seizure,
It’s scary – like adverts for betting online.
When you notice these cats in profound meditation
With a digitally created frown on their brow
Their minds are engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of what on earth to do now.
‘Pretend to be cats!’ says a director. They reply …
‘Me? How?'”

Peter Bradshaw, The Guardian

“Without the presence of hard-working troupers in fun fur in this Cats, all that’s left are canned images of fit-looking people meowing and raising their rumps high in the air.”

Manohla Dargis, New York Times.

Cats is a fever dream, a hallucination, an approximation of what would happen if your third eye actually opened and you could suddenly see into the astral plane.”

Karen Han, Polygon.

Judi Dench as a cat
Dame Judi Dench in the Cats movie trailer. (Universal)

“With its grotesque design choices and busy, metronomic editing, Cats is as uneasy on the eyes as a Hollywood spectacle can be, tumbling into an uncanny valley between mangy realism and dystopian artifice.

Justin Chang, LA Times.

“There is a thin line between idiocy and genius, and Cats pukes a hairball on it and rubs its a** all over it.”

Hoai-Tran Bui, SlashFilm.

“Unless you’re on strong mind-altering substances while you’re watching the film, you will either be baffled or bored by this pseudo-religious nonsense.”

Nicolas Barber, BBC.

So, there you have it, dear reader.

Now it is up to you if you would like to join the ranks of people who actually saw all 110 minutes of the film.

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