Count Binface, formerly Lord Buckethead, who’s running against Boris Johnson, wants you to know he’s a queer ally
The intergalactic alien spacelord formerly known as Lord Buckethead is pushing to win the LGBT+ vote in Boris Johnson’s constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
The satirical candidate was forced to change his name to Count Binface after losing “a nasty battle on Planet Copyright” against another Buckethead incarnation, who is standing for the Monster Raving Loony Party.
Binface is one of 12 candidates challenging Boris for the West London seat, but the only one who will banish notorious ‘homophobe’ Katie Hopkins to the Phantom Zone if elected.
From his throne on Sigma 9, Binface told indy100 that he hopes to replace his current Darth-Vader-meets-wastepaper-bin look with an appropriately rainbow-striped cape to reflect his status as an LGBT+ ally.
— Louis Staples (@LouisStaples) December 11, 2019
And he promised his LGBT+ constituents that a vote for Count Binface is a vote for making Piers Morgan 100 per cent carbon-neutral by 2030 – by taking him off air entirely.
“If we all pulled together, in a sort of wartime effort as a country, we could do it,” he said. “We’ve got 10 years but we could make Piers not be on the TV or the radio. It’s tough, at the outer realms of what’s possible – but not impossible – to have him not on the air in 10 years.”
The general earthling demographic he’s aiming to capture is, “as far as humans go, that small minority of people who think that both Boris and Jeremy are a bit s**t”.
While critics complain the spacelord is splitting the anti-Boris vote, Binface is happy to face his competition in “the jewel of the galaxy” that is Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
“The presence of novelty candidates in general elections is as you know a fine British tradition, and as such I applaud Boris Johnson’s decision to stand,” the Count declared.
He boasts a 40-point manifesto which he claims is fully costed and includes renaming London Bridge to ‘Phoebe Waller’, legalising the hunting of fox-hunters, and the reinstitution of his “greatest passion”, Ceefax.
Sir David Attenborough will be placed on the fourth plinth at Trafalgar Square (or a statue of him, he doesn’t mind which), and any Czechs on the Irish border will be allowed to stay there.
He also promises to inject £1 trillion a week into the NHS, which will be funded by scrapping the UK’s nuclear deterrent and simply not telling anyone about it.
While Binface admits that he does not expect many, if indeed any, votes, he believes it’s his duty to stand for change – surreal change.