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Woman epically shut down over fears her boyfriend is gay because he had sex with a man 25 years ago

Patrick Kelleher December 5, 2019
Woman writes about fears that her boyfriend is gay, and is epically shut down by advice columnist

Christiana Rivers (Unsplash)

A woman has been epically shut down by an advice columnist after she wrote a bizarre letter detailing her fears that her boyfriend is secretly gay.

The woman wrote to Slate’s sex advice columnist Stoya where she explained that she is new to dating after going through a divorce.

But her new boyfriend, who is also divorced, once had sex with a man 25 years ago. Therefore, he must be gay, the woman writes.

Her boyfriend “says it was a one-time only thing”, but she is not convinced.

“I doubt it because his stories conflict,” she writes. “He is kind and loving in every way. But he’s done several things that make me question him.”

Her boyfriend referred to a male actor as ‘beautiful’ so naturally, he must be gay.

She is questioning her boyfriend’s sexuality because he recently referred to a male friend’s penis size as “dead weight”.

“How would he know that?” the horrified woman writes.

She was further disturbed when her boyfriend said a male actor in a film they were watching was “beautiful”. Obviously gay.

He is kind and loving in every way. But he’s done several things that make me question him.

But perhaps most suspicious of all is that she overheard him on the phone to a man with an “effeminate voice” who said to her boyfriend: “What do you need today?”

“He immediately ended the call and acted upset.”

Finally, her boyfriend knew where the gay neighbourhood was in two cities they visited recently – which again, must mean that he is gay.

The woman’s letter completely erases the identities of bisexual and pansexual people.

Unsurprisingly, advice columnist Stoya wasn’t convinced by this woman’s list of evidence and pointed out that it’s entirely possible that her boyfriend isn’t 100 per cent straight – but also possible that he isn’t gay.

The agony aunt says that the woman seems to see gay and straight as “a binary situation” but notes that it is actually “a spectrum”.

That spectrum can, as the advice columnist points out, intersect with other spectrums, like gender expression and sexual interest.

“Maybe he did sleep with a guy more than one time, and maybe it is part of his sexuality, but that doesn’t mean it defines him.”

Furthermore, Stoya says that the woman might want to consider working on “broadening and nuancing” her own framing.

The letter is hardly unique – advice columnists across the world appear to be flooded with letters from concerned women who believe that their boyfriends are secretly gay.

While many people have found themselves in relationships with closeted gay people over the years, letters like these only serve to erase the identities of bisexual and pansexual people. This letter-writer might want to consider researching what the ‘B’ in LGBT stands for.

More: advice columnist, agony aunt, bisexual, Gay, LGBT, Pansexual

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