Straight man complains his gay friend is innocently flirting with him and soon gets put in his place
The head of a straight man must be an exhausting and strange place, if this guy who wrote into an advice column is any indication.
Writing into The Age‘s life and relationships agony aunt, the man, from New South Wales, Australia, is in quite the predicament.
“One of my friends who recently came out as gay has started flirting with me, even though he knows I’m straight and therefore have no interest in him,” he explained.
“I have frequently reminded him of this when the need has arisen.
“What can I do to make him stop?”
‘Personally, I don’t know why you’re so upset about this,’ says agony aunt.
Columnist Danny Katz had a few helpful hints and suggestions for the man, known as “M.G”, to politely turn down his friend.
Katz explained how, deep down, he’s a little jealous of M.G. “No gay man has ever flirted with me,” he sorrowfully said.
“I’m a little hurt,” Katz added, describing himself as: “A sexy, swarthy, stubbly look, part Eugene Levy, part Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Circus Boy.”
He wondered why no queer man has pulled a Ricky Martin on him before, as in, “shake your bon-bon, I’m a desperado underneath your window”.
In setting the record straight on a gay man innocently flirting with a heterosexual guy, “personally, I don’t know why you’re so upset about this,” Katz continued.
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“As long as the flirting is harmless and non-naked and doesn’t involve going away together for a romantic overnighter in a charming B&B on the coast followed by brekkie in a funky beachside cafe that serves chickpea shakshuka, I can’t see what the problem is.
“But if the flirtations are really bothering you, or they’re starting to feel inappropriate, just tell your friend that it’s making you uncomfortable and could you go back to the relationship you once had.
“Just a couple of mates who can enjoy a laugh, a drink, a hug and a good, old-fashioned Aussie bum-slap without it getting weird.
“And if that doesn’t work, start wearing goofy glasses, develop a whiny Canadian accent, and grow thick unwieldy eyebrows that need to be plucked with fish-boning pliers.
“Because that’s totally working for me.”