Completely legitimate, rational and not at all offensive study says 85% of queer people are possessed by ghosts
Ever find yourself stumped for a spooky outfit at Halloween? Why not go as one of the scariest things known to human comprehension – rampant, irrational homophobia.
According to a totally official study by the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, 85 per cent of LGBT+ people are possessed by ghosts. Yes, you read that right.
It might explain why you keep find yourself ghosting that person you pulled the other night or are just incapable of getting a tan. Ghosts, that’s why.
The leading cause of homosexuality is phantom possession, while the slightly less unearthly psychological and physical causes following, the organisation claimed.
Gays are ghosts and are ‘100 per cent’ murderers, says spiritual organisation.
“The main reason behind the gay orientation of some men is that they are possessed by female ghosts” researchers wrote, “the female ghost in them that is attracted to other men.”
Similarly, the study then claimed that lesbians have “the presence of male ghosts in them”, explaining their attraction.
The article explained that the ghost “overpowers the person’s normal behaviour to produce the homosexual attraction,” and that the body’s research found it “overpowers the person’s normal behaviour to produce the homosexual attraction”.
The study includes a helpful table of “sins related to homosexuality” which sees three per cent of LGBT+ people “being in the nude among others” and 100 per cent of the time, being homosexual invites the sin of “murder”.
Around one per cent of the time, homosexuality invites the use of “bad words” and 13 per cent attack somebody. It remains unclear in the findings whether you are counted as an accomplice to the ghost if arrested for a crime, however.
Pride parades ’emit negative energy for up to 10 kilometres’.
Moreover, those LGBT+ people “possessed by ghosts” are “more susceptible to being influenced by negative energies which give them thoughts to encourage them to display their homosexuality in a shameless and even aggressive manner”.
Such displays include Pride parades and festivals, which the Spiritual Science Research Foundation has deemed as public “showcases” of “exhibitionism and narcissism”.
Prides “emit negative energy for up to 10 kilometres. Indirectly, black covering (negative energy) over the city increases, and it subtly spreads farther than 10 kilometres”.
OK, so I’m possessed by an spooky spectre, what do I do about it?
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So, to any murderous, occasionally nude ghosts reading this, you may wonder: ‘How do I know if I am in the 85 per cent of queer folk possessed by a ghost?’
Fret no more. According to the foundation, signs you’ve been possessed by an eerie entity include low energy levels, bouts of depression, financial loss and impulsive behaviour.
In other words, we’re doomed – phone your local exorcist today.
The organisation does have a few helpful methods to overcome your ghoulish state of affairs, including chanting spiritual sayings or hypnotherapy.
The latter will help in “inducing physical attraction to the opposite sex” and “erasing memories of previous homosexual experiences and [replacing] them with heterosexual ones”.
But if you’re content with the ghost living inside of you, we hope this study today raised your spirits.