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Gay dating apps: This is what you need to say to secure a hook up or a bae

Adam Bloodworth April 25, 2018

If you’re new to gay dating apps, or frustrated with your performance track record and after a refresher course in how to score, you’re in the right place.

Dating apps are a challenging terrain to negotiate. With arguably too many apps, and so many users to choose from, you could say we’re poisoned by choice.

But, say you want a good chat rather than a good something rather more explicit, is there a way to phrase things to, shall we say, optimise the output?

Dating online is an arduous enough process as it is, we wouldn’t want you having to waste anymore time online than is absolutely necessary before you score what you’re after.

Here are our tips to help you navigate the online dating space with the efficiency of a confident bloke in a bar who leaves with three guys’ numbers. You’re welcome.

If you’re after sex

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Then don’t shy away. The most wonderful, freeing benefit of modern online dating is the ease by which strangers can find one another to have sex, if sex only is what you’re looking for.

Apps like Grindr, Hornet and Scruff have all been primarily designed to suit guys looking for sex. In the case of these apps it’s all about simple, functional conversations that are also polite.

You’ll be presented with a list of guys by their location, and unlike the apps designed for dating, there isn’t an opportunity to ‘match’ with other guys.

Choose one you like the look of, and say something simple, like: “Hi, how’s it going?”

Wait to see if you get a response, then tell the other guy what you’re looking for. “Do you fancy meeting to play,” or something simple like “I’m free now, and horny, shall we meet?” will suffice. Keep things searingly simple.

Then, you’ll notice in people’s profiles (even gay sex apps have short profiles) whether or not they “can accom” or “can’t accom.”

Offer to accommodate if you can, or want to or accept another’s offer if they say.

We’d recommend meeting in public first, no matter the time of day or night, as regardless of instant connection you are still meeting a stranger and probably heading to a private place.

Related: What is Gaydar? Does it work like other gay dating apps, and can I join for free?

If you’re after a boyfriend

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Now this is a whole other game entirely. Forget everything we’ve said and get ready to rethink the lot, because guys after dates are a very different breed.

For one, it’s less about who’s nearby, and more about who you think you’ll match with emotionally and physically.

So using dating apps like Chappy and Tinder are more likely to result in luck for you, as they are more focused on men’s lifestyle.

In the bio section, rather than the type of sex a guy is after, they’re more likely to include facts about their wider lifestyle: what job they do, what they enjoy doing in their down time and their favourite film.

So harness that and run with it – open up a conversation based on what they’ve said in their bio, as that’ll show you’re not just idly swiping and speaking to everyone but that you’ve done your homework first.

Begin the convo with a joke – but make sure it’s funny, there’s nothing worse than flying with a dud for an opening line. Maybe test it out on a friend first.

Then spend a day or two chatting – be polite, and not overly sexual.

In the queer world, there is a distinct divide between chat on hook up apps and chat on dating apps, so you chat partner will probably find an instant hook up request insulting if you’re on Chappy’s Mr Right setting, for instance.

Pay attention, ask interesting questions and treat your chat as if it were a really engaged chat with a friend – but don’t let it whittle on too long.

Today’s queer apps are chronically over-saturated with users, and the shallow nature of them (ultimately, you’re judging someone on a couple of pictures and a sentence) means that every few hours there’ll be another guy around the corner for a fresh conversation.

So, strike while the iron is hot! Ask your guy out on a date within 24 hours, so you don’t lose him to a new swipe – attention spans are low, so this detail matters.

Plus, asking a guy out is totally confident, and shows you’re truly after a meet, rather than just indulging your need for male attention with another online chat.

Politely suggest a date, time and location and we reckon you’ll be off on your date sharpish – with the amount of guys that are too afraid, or too lazy, to pursue good online conversations or ask people out on dates, you’ll be onto a winner.

Related: Gay dating: New restaurants, London’s most romantic spots & bars in London to impress your date

If you’re after both sex and dating

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Okay, so there are no fundamentally clear answers and people are just people – so have a chat, and be polite and you’ll probably be sweet.

Just remember that users of Grindr, Hornet and Scruff are going to be way more receptive to instant offers of sex.

The middle ground comes with the relatively new gay dating app Chappy, which aims to cover all bases.

Users can search guys categorised under ‘Mr Right’, ‘Mr Right Now’ and ‘Mr Who Knows’ – but if you’re chatting to a Mr Right, it’d be inappropriate to ask for sex and you’ll probably be met with a hostile reply.

If you’re not schooled on the various types of gay dating app, read our guide about the different ones so you can sign up and commit to the right one.

Related: Grindr refuses to apologise for sending users’ HIV statuses to third parties

Mental health

There has been a lot of research suggesting lately that dating apps can cause a downturn in the mental health of their users.

Dating apps arguably distance people from making real connections with each other people offline, by enlisting us to stare at screens, rather than forming real-life authentic connections. Remember that only having online connections can make users unhappy.

Our advice: get in and get out: form the connections you need quickly, be it for dating or a casual hook-up, and minimise the time spent looking at your phone screen.

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