No problem, he's lucky to have such a caring friend

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It's good that he has a friend like you to turn to. But I understand the stress and worry for him, afterall he doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Maybe you should ask/probe a little? Maybe he wants to talk but just needs a little nudge? I know when I was recognising myself that I was gay, questions from people helped. It helped me to explain to them, myself and also to get things off my chest. But I bow to expertise and if you know he isn't that sort of person then no I wouldn't ask.

If they haven't had a physical relationship for years (?!) then maybe an open-relationship or a split will not be so out of the blue? Maybe even his wife is feeling the same but won't do it for the child(ren)?

It's good you found a number for him, to atleast speak to people who know.

Other than be there for him, talk and listen; I don't think there's not a lot you can do.

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Superficially, I guess so, yes. I don't know if this is contentment or a kind of 'let's ignore it because it's too painful to think about' attitude. He did try to say something once, but got no response, which just made him more nervous. I don't know and don't ask about anything unless if volunteers information, but he did say that they hadn't had a physical relationship for some years. I thought that was very strange, but apparently not for some people from what I've heard. I have no idea whether she's happy about that. DEFINITELY not something I'd ask.

The only support group I've found so far is Gay Married Men which is based in Manchester. I've passed that on to him, but it's sad there's nothing closer (ie South England).

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It's obvious that he is a good man, as he's putting other people's happiness and peace of mind above his own, even at the expense of his health; and for quite some time by the sounds of it.

I think TomPaine's advice of an open relationship could work. However, I think your friend needs to be prepared if he takes this route, as it could also be a 'can of worms' situation and may be the first stepping stone to leaving his wife. Things could unravel pretty fast after this step is taken.

Is the marriage a happy one? On the surface I mean? If not then this may be the best step and something his wife may even be interested in?

I feel for you Iris, it's obvious you care a lot for him.

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NOW BENTHAM..!
Never you mind about our lovely Skavid.
He is as much a fixture on these pages as any one else.
You mustn't mock the afflicted, BENTHAM.
He's gut fur ein lachen and you'd/we'd all be in cold turkey if he took the 'ump, did as he was 'advised' – and effed orrf…

We'd only all be bored rigid; keeps you all on your tows.
He doesn't worry me…but then that is more to do with the fact that I do not even begin to understand his erudition let alone challenge it; I am happy with my position as class tit.
So you keep truckin' Dave, and never you mind the 'slings and arrers of outrageous…' thinggy.

God! Can't you tell I went to Hochschule!
German in spades and now William Shake it baby shake it…

I'm well WASTED on 'ere…
K

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Sound advice, Lezabella. Sorry I missed that bit in all the crap from the gay trawler. (Note how he tries to provoke again here – desperate for attention). I think you're right about things reaching a head. He's been very stressed recently – it's actually upsetting to see his expression. My plan is just to be here if he needs someone to talk to. I used to think that gay people who got married were just stupid or trying to deceive people or something, but having met him I know that that's so often not the case, and that life's not always as easy as it should be regarding sexuality.

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An open relationship was something that hadn't occurred to me when I was thinking about what he could do. I saw it as black and white – stay or go. You've got me thinking a lot about that idea. I've no idea about my opinion of it yet – too much to think about!

The only thing disadvantage I can think of, apart from needing everyone's consent, is if he were to meet a man that he wanted to live with (I think that's what he agonises that he's missing out on – a full and fulfilling relationship). But then, I suppose he could wait till the children were older… But..I don't know.

Wow – you surprised me with that idea I don't know what to say because it's something I know very little about. Thank you for taking the time to respond – I appreciate it. You too, Lezabella. I feel more positive that I can say something useful to him just by having a chance to discuss it on here. Thank you.

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“HIV is the fastest growing serious health condition in the UK. It's estimated that 70,000 people are living with HIV, a third of whom are undiagnosed.
Around 89,000 cases of HIV have been reported since the early 1980s
17,957 people with HIV have died since the early 1980s
There were 7,450 new diagnoses in 2005
In 2006, it was estimated that 30% of people living with HIV did not know about their infection
Men living with HIV outnumbered women who have HIV by 2:1
43% of all new diagnoses of HIV in 2005 were in London
30% of new HIV diagnoses in 2005 were among men who have sex with men
HIV in Scotland
In 2007, 368 people were newly diagnosed with HIV in Scotland
This represents an increase of 120% between 1998 – 2007
Number of people needing HIV care in Scotland
2005: 2,177
2006: 2,416
Between 2005 and 2006 the number of people accessing NHS care for HIV who lived in Scotland increased by 11%
Scotland has the highest percentage in the UK of people accessing HIV care who acquired the virus through injecting drug use (16%)
Who is most affected?
The two groups most affected in the UK are men who have sex with men (MSM) and migrants from regions of the work where HIV is common, such as sub-Saharan Africa.
Approximately 2,700 men who have sex with men were diagnosed in 2006, the highest number since the epidemic began. 82% of these men were probably acquired HIV in the UK”

It then goes on to say that;

“The majority of people actually diagnosed with HIV in the UK in 2006 (61%) had been infected through heterosexual sex. Most of these infections were acquired abroad and many were in individuals of African origin.
Because of the way that HIV can be transmitted, another group that faces significant risk of contracting HIV is injecting drug users who share equipment.”

But this statement ignores the fact 98% of population is heterosexual and so it is no wonder that they account for more infections. That means that 1-2% of population who are homosexual account for the remainder.

No doubt Lezabella will respond by saying, “ The reason that 49% exists is due to the fact that the gay male community were the first insular, sub-culture to be exposed to the virus; and since gay men only sleep with each other it stands to reason that a large number would have it. The same as the haemophilliac gene that exists in all of the royal Houses Of Europe, as it has been passed down from the matriach Queen Victoria and since her grandchildren, cousins and whoever only bred with each other; they all carried it and passed it on.
I can go through any amount of analogies you like to get this through to you. That isolated communities who are exposed to an STI would hence have more of it compared to other communities. Would you like me to explain that to you again? Or do you actually understand the concept of what I've just said?”

Well Lezabella, they do say that every crown head of Europe is descended from Queen Victoria and if we count up all cousins and other relatives this must amount to quite a sizeable minority. But I have not heard that they account for nearly half of haemophillia in Europe. Neither have I heard of other minorities being responsible for the spread other contagious diseases as homosexuals are with HIV and AIDS. May I suggest that the reason homosexuals are more likely spread HIV and AIDs is simply because they are more promiscuous, engage in high risk behaviour and have a death wish?

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Dawkins on monogamy and fidelity in 'banishing the green eyed monster': "Even sticking to the higher plane of love, is it so very obvious that you can't love more than one person? We seem to manage it with parental love (parents are reproached if they don't at least pretend to love all their children equally), love of books, of food, of wine (love of Chateau Margaux does not preclude love of a fine Hock, and we don’t feel unfaithful to the red when we dally with the white), love of composers, poets, holiday beaches, friends . . . why is erotic love the one exception that everybody instantly acknowledges without even thinking about it? Why can a woman not love two men at the same time, in their different ways? And why should the two – or their wives — begrudge her this? If we are being Darwinian, it might be easier to make the case the other way, for a man sincerely and deeply loving more than one woman. But I don't want to pursue the details here.

I'm not denying the power of sexual jealousy. It is ubiquitous if not universal. I’m just wondering aloud why we all accept it so readily, without even thinking about it. And why don't we all admire – as I increasingly do — those rare free spirits confident enough to rise above jealousy, stop fretting about who is “cheating on” whom, and tell the green-eyed monster to go jump in the lake?" (Newsweek, Nov. 2007)

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I can put it another way if you don't understand:

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU BORING BASTARD!

Everyone else, I would advise you to not engage him in any debate whatsoever, he doesn't listen, ignores statistics (except for his own ofcourse!) and is generally a bore.

I will not be responding to him anymore as this is what he wants and craves.

Even if it's an insult, he will use it as an excuse to post something else.

So please, let's ignore this strange babbling man who trawls gay sites all day long (weirdo); and just talk to eachother.

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But please, as hard as it is, do not put so much pressure on yourself with this.

I don't know what advice to give, the man has children (please don't apologise for not mentioning that earlier, I would be the same) and a wife.

Clearly he's a decent man as his sole concern is not wanting to hurt them…..gosh I really don't know.

By the sounds of it Iris, I don't think he can carry on like this, being this unhappy.

You'll probably find that something will come to a head or will happen wherein it all comes out so to speak.

But in the meantime I would keep a very close eye on him.

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What's amazing is that Skinner won't accept any science as truth, and yet he hurls "studies" to back up his sill claims. Well, here in lies the evidence that the result of a lack of education, formal or otherwise, is invariably stupid people.

His so called "studies" are NARTH ones ,and are truly ridiculous.

These don't follow any scientific methods. NARTH is not a scientific organisation, its a religious one.

The one on gay life expectancy was run on a newspaper obituaries! Ha! Did you ever hear such utter nonsense? A Newspaper! A 4th grade school student would know enough about research to know this kind of "evidence" is beyond laughable.

Quoting studies like this only proves Skinner's lack of any formal learning, and his entrenchment in silly narrow dogma.

To quote NARTH studies as science is basically saying you're an idiot.

It was gay pride in Dublin last Saturday…. 12,000 people marched. So really, do we care what one old fool thinks? People in generally are smart enough to see through the nonsense and utter stupidity of the likes of Skinner.

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