Ask the Expert: ‘I bought the wedding party clothes; do I need to get gifts, too?’

Stumped on when to send out your STDs (save-the-date announcements)? Don’t know who should be invited to your rehearsal dinner? Get the answers to all your wedding etiquette questions by submitting your dilemma to etiquette@equallywed.com

My fiancé and I are getting married in a few weeks. I’m Indian, and we wanted Indian clothes for the ceremony. I went to India with my mom this past winter, and we purchased clothes for all our attendants for the ceremony. Do we still need to get our wedding party gifts, especially those who haven’t really been involved much?

I think it’s both beautiful and meaningful that you and your mother traveled to India together and purchased your wedding party’s attire there. What a personal touch to the day. I’m certain your attendants will be very touched that they don’t have to pay for the clothing, too.

However, it doesn’t save you from giving them a small token of your appreciation, because you are giving them something they are required to wear, albeit gorgeous handmade clothes from India.

You don’t have to spend a lot on the wedding party gifts—especially for the people who haven’t been very involved. But these friends and family members are sacrificing their time for you, and etiquette dictates that you give them a thank you gift that doesn’t have anything to do with the wedding (which is why the clothing isn’t enough).

That gift doesn’t have to cost much, if anything. It could be a framed photo of you and/or your fiancé with each person or something you’ve made, such as a small painting, a poem about friendship in your own handwriting on nice paper or a potted plant. The message of the gift is more important than the dollar value, and it should say, “I appreciate you in my life and for standing up for me on my wedding day.”

Kirsten Palladino is the editor in chief of Equally Wed, the nation’s premier same-sex wedding magazine, online at www.equallywed.com. Equally Wed offers gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer couples an extensive, trustworthy and fashionable guide of inspiration, ideas and trends for planning their engagements, weddings and honeymoons, as well as their happily ever after. The photo-rich site is home to Equally Wed’s Local Resources, a veritable marketplace of vetted LGBT-friendly wedding vendors across the United States and abroad. It also offers an interactive social community to talk to other readers about all things wedding, as well as the latest news from the frontlines of the fight for marriage equality. Follow Equally Wed on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/equallywed.

Ask the Expert: Should I invite anti-gay relatives to my wedding?

I have relatives who have made it clear they’re uncomfortable with me being gay. But I’m still unsure if I should invite them to my wedding. Am I being the bigger person if I send an invite? I don’t want to get my feelings hurt.

Unfortunately, being related to someone doesn’t guarantee fair treatment of gays, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people. And as sad as that is, we’re probably all used to it on some level or another and are constantly working to heal those wounds.

Your wedding is your day to celebrate your love and commitment to each other with your family and friends—the ones who love you and believe in your love. So why would you want to invite anyone who wouldn’t allow themselves to feel the love?

If you want to reach out to them to see how they’d feel or behave at your wedding, give them a call and talk to them about your feelings and hesitation. And if that’s a bit much for your taste, send them a wedding announcement after the big day.

It requires no response, but lets them know you’ve taken the leap with your—gasp—gay lover.

Kirsten Palladino is Editor in Chief of Equally Wed, the nation’s premier same-sex wedding magazine, online at www.equallywed.com [2]. Equally Wed offers gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender couples an extensive, trustworthy and fashionable guide of inspiration, ideas and trends for planning their engagements, weddings and honeymoons, as well as their happily ever after. The photo-rich site is home to Equally Wed’s Local Resources, a veritable marketplace of vetted GLBT-friendly wedding vendors across the United States and abroad. It also offers an interactive social community to talk to other readers about all things wedding, as well as the latest news from the frontlines of the fight for marriage equality

[1] http://www.365gay.commailto:etiquette@equallywed.com
[2] http://www.equallywed.com/

Pink Everest: Nepal appeals for gay tourists

(Katmandu, Nepal) Nepal wants to paint Mount Everest pink.

It wants gay honeymooners trekking through the Himalayas.

It wants to host the world’s highest same-sex wedding at Everest base camp.

But mainly, the conservative Hindu nation wants a chunk of the multibillion dollar gay tourist market to help pull it out of poverty.

That …

Utah paper rejects same-sex wedding announcement

(Salt Lake City) A southern Utah newspaper has rejected a gay California couple’s wedding announcement, saying its policy is to publish announcements only for marriages legal under Utah law.

The Spectrum in St. George initially accepted a paid wedding announcement for Tyler Barrick and Spencer Jones last week, but then changed …

Church ponders next step on gay vows

Episcopal bishops in New England and Iowa, the only parts of the nation where same-sex marriage is legal, are preparing for a wave of requests to allow priests to oversee the ceremonies as the result of a decision last week by the Episcopal Church that opens the door to church weddings for gay couples.

In interviews yesterday, none of several bishops interviewed said they were immediately prepared to allow priests to officiate at same-sex weddings, which remain prohibited by the canons of the Episcopal Church.

But, citing the denomination’s decision Friday to allow bishops in states where same-sex marriage is legal to “provide generous pastoral response’’ to same-sex couples, the bishops indicated that they are looking for ways to allow priests to at least celebrate, if not perform, gay nuptials in church.

“The problem is the prayer book says that marriage must conform to the laws of the state and the canons of the church, but if we respond to the laws of the state, we are in violation of the canons of the church,’’ said Bishop Stephen T. Lane of Maine, where the situation is further complicated by a possible referendum to overturn same-sex marriage. “We’re trying to respond pastorally, but not to get so far beyond the bounds of what the church understands that our clergy are just sort of hanging out there.’’

Lane also said bishops of New England, where same-sex marriage has been approved in every state but Rhode Island, are hoping to reach a common plan, because “we don’t want people running back and forth between the New England states.’’

“The folks who would like to be married are members of our congregations and will have a legal right to marriage should the law be upheld,’’ Lane said. “Clergy are caught trying to be faithful both to the canons of the church and the laws of the state, and some flexibility will help us make good pastoral judgments while the church wrestles with the definition of marriage and the rites in the Book of Common Prayer.’’

The Episcopal Church is one of several mainline Protestant denominations grappling with how to respond to increasing societal acceptance of same-sex couples. But the issue is particularly thorny for Episcopalians because the denomination and the global Anglican Communion to which it belongs have been riven by controversy over the 2003 election of an openly gay priest, the Rev. V. Gene Robinson, as bishop of New Hampshire.

In an interview yesterday, Robinson said he expects to get married to his longtime partner once same-sex marriage becomes legal in New Hampshire, in January. Robinson said Episcopal priests in New Hampshire have been long been allowed to bless same-sex couples, including those in civil unions, and that he expects to continue to ask priests to bless, but not legally officiate at, same-sex weddings.

“My feeling is that it’s time to separate the civil action from the religious action for all couples, and my guess is that we will continue that practice, which is to say we will ask clergy to get out of the civil marriage business and continue to offer the church’s blessings of civil unions and of same-gender marriages,’’ said Robinson. As a practical matter, that means marriages are solemnized by justices of the peace, who sign the legal documents, and then blessed by clergy.

In Eastern Massachusetts, Bishop M. Thomas Shaw has been one of the most vocal supporters of same-sex marriage, but also one of the most determined to differentiate between civil and religious marriage.

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A

A gay marriage poll released by the L.A. Times reveals that a yawning racial chasm exists over the issue. Pollsters found that a substantial majority in a sampling of 1,500 registered voters in Los Angeles — 56 percent — favored legalizing same-sex marriage, while only 37 percent opposed it. However, after parsing the demographics, vivid ethnic demarcations emerge. (See L.A. Weekly reporter Patrick Range McDonald’s extensive coverage of the growing outreach by pro-gay-marriage advocates into both the ethnic and agrarian communities of California.)

Caucasian voters favor legalization by a huge 68 percent margin, with 27 percent opposing it. The breakdown among African Americans is substantially, if not quite completely, reversed: 54 percent oppose gay marriage, with 37 percent supporting it. (Conflicting points of views in the local African American community have been glimpsed on the L.A. Sentinel‘s opinion page, with lesbian commentator Jasmyne A. Cannick for gay marriage and conservative columnist Firpo Carr condemning it.)

Meanwhile, the Times reports that Latinos are evenly split, with 45 percent supporting and 46 opposing same-sex weddings. It is the swing Latino electorate that advocates on both sides will seek to win over in an anticipated 2010 ballot rematch of Proposition 8. See

Poll Finds Racial, Ethnic Divides Over Gay Marriage

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Gay marriage law’s impact on Iowans subtle, yet powerful DesMoinesRegister.com -Gay marriage law’s impact on Iowans subtle, yet powerful

The April marriage ruling hasn’t enticed Jean and George Huffey’s two gay children to move back to Iowa from Wisconsin and Indiana, as the two parents had hoped.

Not many same-sex couples have relocated here in the two short months since the Iowa Supreme Court ruled on April 3 that both gay and straight couples have equal rights to marriage, anecdotal evidence suggests.

“It’s going to take time,” said Des Moines real estate agent Mindi McCoy, who had two same-sex clients from New York City look at properties, then decide against purchasing. “We’re still in kind of this honeymoon stage, no pun intended.”

Gay culture is sharply in focus this weekend as thousands gather to celebrate at the Capital City PrideFest in Des Moines. The Des Moines Register interviewed dozens of gays and lesbians to identify early trends since the first marriages took place April 27, including the effects on the ease of coming out of the closet, family relationships, religion, business, politics and the underground gay sex scene.

The changes in Iowa since the ruling are subtle but powerful to the individuals affected, according to both advocates and opponents.

Same-sex married couples who live here said they are already experiencing firsthand how Iowa law still treats them differently from opposite-sex couples.

Of the hundreds of same-sex Iowa couples who are now married – no state agency tracks the number of same-sex unions – some said they feel less guarded about holding hands or sharing a kiss in certain public settings.

“At your job, you don’t feel like you can’t have a picture of you and your partner up,” said Des Moines resident Justin De Vries.

Marriage seems to have been embraced mainly by same-sex couples with a history together: five years, a decade, 20 years or more. Some faith leaders have committed acts of quiet rebellion to marry them, even as their churches remain locked in debate over same-sex weddings.

“People are taking this as a very serious issue,” said Sharon Malheiro, a Des Moines lawyer. Couples are asking: ” ‘If we get married, what will the impact be? What are our obligations to each other?’ They’re not being nonchalant about it.”

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Gay New Yorkers Head to Greenwich for Weddings

GREENWICH, Conn. — They wanted a New York wedding. “Our lives are here; our friends are here,” said Janis Castaldi, 56, who lives in Westchester County with Lizz Endrich, the woman she married on May 21.

But New York has not approved same-sex marriage. “It got to the point where it doesn’t look 100 percent good right now. When you have Greenwich, Conn., 20 minutes away, I said, ‘Why are we waiting?’ ”

And so another couple from outside Connecticut made what is becoming a familiar pilgrimage to this border town of wealth and privilege, the first municipality over the state line by Interstate 95 or Metro-North.

From Nov. 12, 2008, the day same-sex marriages became legal in Connecticut, through the end of May, 139 same-sex couples applied for a marriage license and wed in Greenwich. All but three of them were been from out of state, most from New York City, according to Barbara Lowden, the town’s assistant registrar of vital statistics.

The town has the most same-sex marriages in Connecticut; statewide figures through February, the most recent available, showed Greenwich as the wedding spot for one in every five gay couples, though it has only 2 percent of the population.

Best known for its old- and new-money families stretching from the Long Island Sound to its fabled back country, Greenwich has been vexed in the past by its proximity to the border. In 2001, the crowds of people buying tickets for the Powerball lottery game, not available in New York, grew so big that town officials suspended sales for a day.

These days, by contrast, local businesses would like Greenwich’s new wave of toe-dippers to stick around a little longer than they have been. Most couples have a brief ceremony in a Town Hall meeting room or outside on the grounds, then leave immediately for receptions back in New York or honeymoons elsewhere.

Thomas C. Delaney, the general manager of the Hyatt Regency Greenwich, said the hotel had advertised on some gay and lesbian Web sites in hopes of attracting more business. The Hyatt averages 70 weddings a year, he said, but this summer only two same-sex weddings are scheduled so far. “We’d like to have a lot more,” he said.

June, the traditional month for wedding bliss, is coinciden

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New England economy could see gay-marriage boost

The expansion of legal gay marriage across New England could deliver an economic windfall by attracting a youthful “creative class” of workers to a region with an aging population.
In the past year, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine have joined Massachusetts, which in 2004 became the first U.S. state to allow same-sex weddings, in blessing gay and lesbian weddings.
That makes the region the first in the United States where same-sex couples can move from one state to another while retaining marriage benefits.
New arrivals include John Visser and Nick Keffer, who recently moved to Hartford, Connecticut, from Raleigh, North Carolina. They plan to wed later this month.
“The sole, only reason why we moved was because it was now legal for us to get married here,” said Visser, 42. “No other reason whatsoever other than marriage equality. We were perfectly happy in North Carolina.”
New England has long burnished an image of tolerance. Early European settlers in the 17th-century escaped religious persecution, although they imposed their own stern doctrines and sometimes expelled dissenters. Later, the region led the right for the abolition of black slavery.
Five out of the region’s six states now endorse gay weddings after New Hampshire legalized same-sex marriage on Wednesday, leaving Rhode Island as the sole holdout.
The spread of gay marriage could serve as a recruiting tool for universities, health care companies and financial services firms that dominate the region’s economy, experts said.
“It will be a selling point when it comes to trying to lure people with same-sex partners who are being wooed for a job,” said M.V. Lee Badgett, a University of Massachusetts economist See New England economy could see gay-marriage boost
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For gay couples, married matters

Five years after the first same-sex weddings in Massachusetts, gay and lesbian couples express deeply traditional reasons for deciding to wed and cite equally conventional benefits flowing from marriage, according to a study being released this week.

A significant majority of the 558 gay men and women surveyed said that since marrying, they feel more committed to their spouses, more accepted in their community, and more likely to be open about their sexual orientation at work.

The survey indicates that there is something universal about the legal protections and social advantages afforded by the institution of marriage, said the study’s authors from the University of California, Los Angeles as well as independent researchers. And it suggests, they said, that a ritual once scorned even by many same-sex couples has the power to ease discrimination.

“This really helps us confirm and makes us understand why same-sex couples demand marriage – if it’s just about the legal rights, why wouldn’t they be happy with civil partnerships?” said Stephanie Coontz author of “Marriage, A History.”

“They want access to that word that is so highly valued by our society and by other people.

“It is one thing not to invite your child’s girlfriend or boyfriend to dinner,” said Coontz, a professor at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. “It is quite another thing not to invite the spouse.”

Same-sex marriages began in Massachusetts on May 17, 2004, after the Supreme Judicial Court declared that gay and lesbian couples had the right to wed. The ruling ignited a political and social maelstrom in Massachusetts and beyond, but since then four other states – Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, and Vermont – have extended marriage rights to same-sex couples. Lawmakers in New Hampshire are currently debating whether to make their state the next to do so.

The study was prepared and paid for by UCLA’s Williams Institute, which examines legal and public policy issues related to sexual orientation and is funded by foundations and individuals, including supporters of gay marriage.

The authors of the survey, which consisted of about 30 questions, said they regarded it as an initial assessment of gay marriage, largely designed to explore issues arising during public debate rather than to delve into more personal aspects of couples’ relationships. For example, researchers asked whether respondents’ children had faced taunting as a result of their parents’ same-sex marriage – only 5 percent had – but did not ask how happily married partners were.

“We’ve been interested in the impact of marriage for a long time,” said Lee Badgett, researcher director of the Williams Institute and senior author of the study. “I’ve been combing the universe for data, but there just aren’t that many places to look at same-sex couples who are literally married.”

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