Those who argue that same-sex parenting “deprives” a child of its mother or father sometimes ask, “How would you feel if your mother or father were taken away?”

My answer to that question is, of course, “I’d feel terrible.” But that fact scarcely settles the matter.

I’d feel terrible if anyone close to me were taken away. But that presupposes that the person “taken away” is already a part of my life. It doesn’t follow that their not being present in the first place would “deprive” me.

My grandparents were all an important part of my life, but suppose they had all died before I was born. Would anyone have accused my parents of “depriving” me of grandparents, simply by bringing me into existence? Of course not.

I grant that the cases are not exactly parallel. If my grandparents had died before I was born, my parents could hardly be held responsible for their absence (barring matricide or patricide).

By contrast, the lesbian who visits a sperm bank—just like straight women who visit sperm banks—may consciously intend to raise a child in its biological father’s absence, and thus has some responsibility for that absence (as does the father).

It is this fact that bothers our opponents. In their view, the lesbian and others in this (hypothetical but common) case are conspiring to deprive the child of its biological father. If we care to answer their concerns, we need to address this case.

Before doing so, however, it is worth pointing out several things. First, the objection doesn’t touch those who become parents by adoption. In such cases, opponents might still object that the lesbian is depriving the child of SOME father. But they can’t coherently claim that she is depriving it of ITS OWN father—and that is the objection I wish to focus on here. (Presumably, its own father is no longer in the picture—hence the adoption.)

Second, the objection applies equally to heterosexual women who seek anonymous sperm donors. Most people who use sperm banks are heterosexual, and most gays and lesbians never use sperm banks. So this is not an objection to gay parenting or gay marriage per se.

Third, and related, when applied to same-sex marriage the objection involves a blatant non-sequitur. It is one thing to argue against anonymous sperm donation. It is quite another to use that argument to oppose marriage for gays and lesbians. For even if one accepts the “no sperm banks” argument, it seems unfair to punish those gays and lesbians who do not use them. It is also unfair to punish those children whose parents did use them: such children exist, after all, and forbidding marriage to their parents (i.e. the ones that care for them) makes their lives less stable.

With these caveats in mind, we can return to the question at hand: is the lesbian (or for that matter, the straight woman) who uses an anonymous sperm donor “depriving” the child of its biological father?

The problem with answering this question is that the word “depriving” is so loaded that any response is likely to have unintended (and unpalatable) side effects. Answer “yes,” and you insult the many good mothers who have used anonymous sperm donors and have provided wonderful lives for their resulting children. You also potentially hurt the children, by suggesting to them that they lead “deprived” lives.

Answer “no,” and you seem to ignore the research that says that children do better, on average, with their own biological parents than in other family forms. You also suggest that there’s nothing special about growing up with one’s own biological father.

I for one wouldn’t want to make the latter claim. That’s partly because I am moved by the firsthand stories of people who have grown up not knowing one or more of their biological parents and feel a genuine sense of loss as a result. Their longing is real and should not be lightly dismissed.

But it’s also because I myself feel that there’s something special about the biological bond I have with my parents. The fact that I am literally flesh of their flesh moves me, for reasons that go beyond sentimentality.

The question is whether we can acknowledge this significance without casting aspersions on those whose parent-child bonds are non-biological.

I think we can. To say that the biological bond is special is not to say that it’s the only significant bond, or that those who lack it are deprived of something necessary (much less sufficient) for a strong and healthy parent-child relationship.

More to the point, to say that the biological bond is special is hardly justification for “depriving” an entire group of people of the opportunity to marry.

***********

John Corvino, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and philosophy professor at Wayne State University in Detroit. His column “The Gay Moralist” appears Fridays on 365gay.com.

For more about John, visit www.johncorvino.com [1].

[1] http://www.johncorvino.com

VT parents protest BSA gay ban

Judge rules for surrogate mom

A NJ judge gave custody of twins to the surrogate mom instead of the gay parents.

Family Q offers support for gay parents

“The technical aspects of making a family is just the small part,” says Dr. Miriam Colbert Ehrenberg, executive director of the Institute for Human Identity (IHI), a New York City-based psychotherapy and training institute.

“Even though it’s difficult and society puts lots of obstacles in your way, your work really starts …

Family says Bryce Faulkner is undergoing anti-gay counseling willingly

The parents of Bryce Faulkner, a young man who was reported missing by friends and his boyfriend, say he is undergoing anti-gay counseling at his own will.

“He’s fine,” Debra Faulkner told FOXNews.com. “All the stories you’ve been told are not true.”

However, a man who claims to be Bryce’s boyfriend doubts the validity of Mrs. Faulkner’s statement.

Travis Swanson says he and Faulkner are boyfriends and refuses to take down a website to help Bryce until he is told to do so by his alleged boyfriend. Now Bryce’s parents are threatening to sue.

“[Bryce] got caught up with friends who were pulling him that way,” Mrs. Faulkner said. “He just wants to take some time and figure out what he wants to do with his life.”

Through a statement released by a family spokesperson, Bryce says he is seeking treatment on his own accord.

“Every decision that I’ve made has been based solely upon my beliefs and I have not been manipulated or coerced by anyone to do anything,” Bryce Faulkner’s statement read. He declined further comment.

See Family says Bryce Faulkner is undergoing anti-gay counseling willingly Gay Socialites

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In UK RC Church rejects gay parents claims

The Roman Catholic Church has reacted angrily to comments endorsing gay parenthood from a charity with strong links to the Church.

Terry Prendergast of Marriage Care, which is partly funded by the Church, said there was no evidence children were harmed by having same-sex parents.

But the organisation representing Catholic bishops said children need parental role models of both genders.

It said Mr Prendergast, a former priest who has since married, was wrong.

Mr Prendergast made his comments to a gathering of gay Roman Catholics in Leicester.

He told the audience at the Quest conference that same-sex families, along with single and cohabiting parents, suffered discrimination and denigration because they fell short of the Vatican’s definition of what constituted a real family.

The views expressed by Terry Prendergast about the definition of family and marriage are clearly not a reflection of the Church’s teaching, nor those of the Bishops’ Conference

Catholic Bishops’ Conference

Agencies obey gay adoption rules

Instead, he said, they should be held up as role models and an advert for Catholicism.

Mr Prendergast also claimed that there was no evidence to show that children of same-sex parents suffered in any way, and that the elements that made for successful child-rearing were stable relationships.

But the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales has insisted that Mr Prendergast is wrong.

Pastoral response

In a statement, the organisation acknowledged that although it was difficult to define what a family was, the Church still believed that stability for children came from having parents of opposite genders who could provide different role models.

See Church rejects gay parents claims

BBC News

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Council halts plans to put boy with gay foster parents

A council has halted plans to place a ten-year-old Catholic boy in the care of homosexual foster parents against the wishes of his mother.

The case was highlighted last month by The Mail on Sunday, the day before the boy was due to arrive at his new home, a hotel in Brighton run by a middle-aged male couple.

Brighton and Hove Council has now told the mother it is reviewing its decision after her lawyer argued it was obliged to try to place the boy with foster parents of the same faith.

See Council halts plans to put boy with gay foster parents

Daily Mail

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