After the break-up, what about the lake house?
IT was a perfect party — vodka lemonade on a dock overlooking a lake, dozens of close friends, a cool misty night in the country a couple of hours north of New York.
Inside, the house spoke of a passionate interest in style, and of a committed relationship. Silhouettes of the couple who owned the house hung on a wall in the master bedroom; the couple’s nickname — Benford — was spelled out in large letters leaning against a wall in the kitchen.
But the couple, Benjamin Dixon, 31, and Bradford Shellhammer, 33, who had planned the evening as a commitment ceremony, had broken up three months earlier. Still, with airplane tickets purchased by some of the guests, a catering deposit paid and a house they haven’t been able to sell, they figured it made sense to go ahead and have a party anyway.
Their tale of lost love has a familiar arc — love sparks, then blooms; lives intertwine; moments are lost and misunderstandings creep in; eventually the two begin to live as strangers — and an epilogue that has become increasingly familiar as well, as unwanted houses become prisons rather than cocoons.
Rather than being a glossy testament to their taste and their partnership, their house in Stanfordville, in Dutchess County, is now a dead weight that entangles them and makes it impossible to move on. Having bought it and an apartment in Manhattan at the height of the real estate boom (and having made an agreement with a third partner in their lake house property not to sell it until December 2009), they are left with joint custody of two large mortgages. They are also left with two carefully decorated homes filled with one-of-a-kind accessories found on eBay and quirky furnishings by high-end designers like the Dutch collective Droog that are reminders of what came before and, Mr. Dixon said, “big reminders of what was supposed to be.”
See After the break-up, what about the lake house?
New York Times
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Another front for fairness
AT A HEARING at the State House last week, supporters of a bill to ban discrimination on the basis of gender identity and expression outlined the myriad barriers that confront transgender people - those who are born male but live as females, or vice versa. Unlike those whose religions or sexual orientations expose them to discrimination, transgendered people might not be able to avoid the issue when applying for jobs, apartments, or loans. The truth may become evident from a check on a Social Security number or a search of credit reports.
Transgender advocates aren’t looking for sympathy. The goal of the legislation, introduced by Representative Carl Sciortino, is to give transgender residents of Massachusetts space to live without discrimination or violence. The bill responds sensibly to a real problem, and deserves to pass.
Transgender people don’t make the transition lightly; many, though not all, undergo gender-reassignment surgery. The case of Dana Zircher, profiled recently by the Globe’s Bella English, underscores the difficulty of the process, even when individuals have supportive families and employers. Zircher, a software designer and a parent, has undergone a divorce, surgery, and 350 hours of electrolysis.
Instead of addressing the complexities of actual people’s lives, though, opponents are trying to undermine Sciortino’s legislation by calling it a “Bathroom Bill.’’ The difference between a transgender woman and a man who wants to infiltrate a ladies’ room is perfectly obvious, at least to anyone who is not deliberately obfuscating the issue. The difference would surely be obvious to police officers and judges. Thirteen other states, including Vermont, Maine, and Rhode Island, and dozens of cities, including Boston and Cambridge, already forbid discrimination against transgendered people - and public washrooms are as safe as ever.
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Rep. Sally Kern says ‘debauched’ gay marriage caused bad economy
Rep. Sally Kern of Oklahoma, who has called being gay a “deadly lifestyle”, has released what she calls a “Proclamation for Morality”, which reads more like a manifesto against homosexuality. Kern, who apparently is unfamiliar with the fact that the United States was founded on the principle of separation of church and State, consistently uses religion as a basis for her arguments.
The New Civil Rights Movement published Kern’s “proclamation”, in which she says gay marriage is a form of “debauchery” like “abortion, pornography, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, and child abuse.” She blames the bad state of the economy on this so-called “debauchery”:
“WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national
moral crisis; and
WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion,
pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and
many other forms of debauchery; and
WHEREAS, alarmed that the Government of the United States of America is forsaking
the rich Christian heritage upon which this nation was built; and
WHEREAS, grieved that the Office of the president of these United States has refused
to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of
Prayer; and
WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States
disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to
an immoral behavior”
Tulsa World called the reading and signing of Kern’s proclamation “circus-like”. About 200 supporters stood with her inside the State Capitol gathering signatures, while Kern was repeatedly interrupted by protesters.
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Kern: Immorality caused the recession
Sally Kern wants a resolution blaming divorce, same-sex marriage, and abortion for the recession.
Tags: Abortion, Divorce, Immorality, marriage, Recession, Sally, same sex marriageGa. Supreme Court rules against ban against allowing kids around father’s gay friends
The Georgia Supreme Court tossed out part of a Fayette County court’s decision that kept a divorced gay father from allowing his children to interact with his gay friends, according to a ruling today from the state Supreme Court.
In the ruling, Justice Robert Benham wrote the high court acknowledges that trial courts have the discretion to “limit a parent’s exposure of the children to certain people, if it can be shown that the children would be adversely affected.”
In this case, the Supreme Court justices rejected Fayette County Superior Court Judge Christopher Edwards’ ban on having the gay father bring his gay friends around his children. Edwards has been nominated to fill the a seat on the state Supreme Court after Chief Justice Leah Sears steps down at the end of June.
“The blanket prohibition against exposure of the children to members of the gay and lesbian community who are acquainted with husband is another matter,” says today’s opinion. “There is no evidence in the record before us that any member of the excluded community has engaged in inappropriate conduct in the presence of the children or that the children would be adversely affected by exposure to any member of that community.”
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U&K Police sound alarm as anti-gay attacks rise
Senior police are “exceptionally concerned” about a recent spate of murders of gay men as figures reveal that homophobic attacks are escalating.
Campaigners say anti-gay violence has surged, and Scotland Yard statistics reveal a 9% rise in homophobic and transphobic offences to 1,372 in the year to April. Greater Manchester police recorded a 63% rise in homophobic crime. Acting Detective Superintendent Gerry Campbell, of the Metropolitan police, who headed a recent operation against hate crime that led to 292 arrests, said: “Homophobia cannot be considered a thing of the past, it’s on the increase.”
A confidential briefing note for Scotland Yard’s lesbian gay bisexual transgender advisory group, seen by the Observer, says nine “critical incidents” have been recorded in the force’s area since March 2008, compared with five incidents from 2001 to 2005. Recent cases include the murders of Daryl Phillips, 39, stabbed two weeks ago in Tottenham, north London, after arriving from Trinidad to escape homophobic bullying, and of Gerry Edwards, 59, knifed when he answered the door in Bromley, south London. His partner, Chris Bevan, 56, was also stabbed.
The new chief constable of Greater Manchester police, Peter Fahy, has expressed “alarm” about the rapid rise of such offences, from 327 to 533 in the year to April 2008. Paul Burston, author of The Gay Divorcee, said homophobic violence appears to be growing in both the number of incidents reported and in severity.
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Gay Marriage in California
To the Editor:
Re “Ruling Upholds California’s Ban on Gay Marriage” (front page, May 27):
How distressing to hear that Proposition 8 was upheld in California! For years, I have been asking what the downside of gay marriage is, and I have yet to hear a logical response.
Most often I hear that marriage between same-sex couples demeans or destroys the sanctity of marriage and/or family. I wonder, then, why we don’t ban divorce or unhappy marriages! It seems to me that a loving marriage between any two people does more to endorse and protect the sanctity of marriage than a joyless opposite-sex marriage.
There is no downside to a love-filled union. Gay or straight, marriage should be celebrated, not banned.
Laure Dunne
Norwalk, Conn., May 27, 2009 See Gay Marriage in California New York Times * Tags = gay men gay news lesbian news transgender bisexual
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Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender marriages thrive
This spring my life-partner and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary together. While some might say that 10 years of marriage is no big deal — even in this age of high divorce rates — clearly it is a milestone year, and especially for a gay couple like us. I should note from the start that I do not place marriage in quotation marks, as though ours somehow doesn’t measure up; our marriage is different in some ways and very much the same in others, but it is certainly not less. We know what a precious gift we have in each other.
Our love and commitment, in fact, are as strong and vital as in the best heterosexual marriages, often more so.
Why? Because like all successful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) marriages, ours thrives despite formidable odds, any one of which would crush many heterosexual marriages. Little wonder LGBT friends and acquaintances tell us our 10 years is actually twenty, even 30 — in straight years.
No one should be surprised by this perception. In place of the myriad ways that heterosexual marriages are incorporated, supported, celebrated and promoted ours’ are denied, excluded, discouraged and condemned. Marriage of any type is, of course, not always easy, even if strong and under the best of circumstances. Imagine for a moment though people praying for your marriage to fail; widespread preaching and protesting against it; laws and constitutional amendments enacted that are overtly hostile to your family; hospitals blocking you from your spouse’s bedside; having your children torn from your life when your spouse, the biological parent, dies; or being unable to carry out your spouse’s final wishes. I could easily go on, and on.
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Gay Divorce Still Legal in California
Gay and lesbian couples who took advantage of California’s brief fling with gay marriage last year to tie the knot, but now can’t stand the sight of one another, will be relieved to hear that gay divorce remains an option.
Frederick Hertz, a lawyer in Oakland, Calif., who specializes in same-sex family law, told The Lede that since California’s Supreme Court ruled on Tuesday that same-sex marriages that took place in 2008, before voters approved a ban in November, will remain “both valid and recognized,” that means “all the rules of marriage apply, including divorce.” That said, the state’s new law explicitly outlawing same-sex-marriage does create something of a gray area for couples who live in California, but were married in another state, or nation, and now want to get a divorce. As Mr. Hertz explains, the problem for unhappily married same-sex couples living in a state that bans same-sex marriage, is that “getting a divorce requires a recognition of the marriage.”
In an article explaining how the legal patchwork of state laws makes it nearly impossible for some same-sex couples to get divorced, the Los Angeles Times reported that a lesbian couple from Rhode Island who got married in Massachusetts were later denied a divorce in their home state, since the courts there can not recognize their marriage. See Gay Divorce Still Legal in California
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Eve Pearlman: Curriculum battle lines drawn over values vs. bigotry in Alameda
A HOT TOPIC AROUND TOWN the last several months has been Alameda Unified School District’s proposed anti-bullying curriculum, which has been discussed with increasing fervor, and has turned into a referendum on gay rights. I admit I’d only been paying half attention to the debate (though my husband has been actively advocating for the curriculum’s adoption), until Tuesday night when I watched hours of testimony at the school board meeting, my heart dropping as a long line of speakers voiced their opposition to a few short lessons acknowledging the existence of gay and lesbian families. “It’s about sex!” the opponents claimed. But teaching about same-gender families is no more about sex than the words “marriage” and “husband” and “wife” and “wedding” are about sex. Yes, marriage is based in part on a sexual commitment, but we speak about husbands and wives all the time in a way in which sexuality is not the focus. To children, the word lesbian is no more about sex than the word marriage is. “But I want to teach my child about these things,” parents said. “I want to teach my beliefs to my child.” I have strong empathy for parents who want to impart their values to their children. But I do not have empathy when that “value” is that someone else is a lesser person. Imagine if the “value” in question were that women should not own property or that people could be owned by other people or that people with certain skin color should not be allowed to vote. These are not “values,” these are discriminatory prejudices.
At Tuesday’s meeting, the technique of the well-organized and coordinated curriculum opponents was to attack the series of lessons — designed to complement an already-established anti-bullying curriculum — on a number of technical grounds. “It’s not legal,” they said. “It doesn’t go far enough” or “It privileges one group over another.” But these attacks were contrived and disingenuous. Most curriculum opponents operated from what only few more frankly admitted: They don’t think gay families are the moral equivalent of their own straight families. They don’t think gay families are “OK” and they don’t want their kids being taught that they are. As many in this debate have done, all you have to do is switch the opponents’ arguments to another social group to see how undemocratic their viewpoints are. Would the district allow a student to opt out of a Black history lesson? A celebration of Chinese New Year? To leave the room any time divorce is discussed? Of course not. Religion has been used to support all sorts of atrocities past and present (as well as all sorts of good things). Because an argument is religion-based doesn’t mean that it is more right, more valid or more just. In this country, in this democracy, in this friendly city of 70,000, it is our shared value that all people are created equal — and to those parents who want to teach otherwise, well, this is not a “value.” It is bigotry. And it has no place in our community’s schools. It has surprised me that in this day and age, in the Bay Area, that some are so hostile to difference and so obsessed with other people’s sex lives. The aim of the Alameda school district curriculum is simple: to teach about reality in order to help children skillfully and respectfully navigate their diverse community. All families (the majority of families, in fact) don’t look like the Cleavers. Families have all sorts of configurations, incorporating grandparents and cousins, step-siblings and stepfathers, same gender couples and opposite gender couples. That is reality. Children should be taught what’s real.
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