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Comment: Why bisexual visibility could be one of the defining LGBT rights struggles of our time

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  1. Bisexuality is a separate kind of sexual orientation (it is not gay-lite) and is best not mixed with homosexuality.

    I have dated bisexual men. But in all cases so far it turned out that they desired men only sexually, but not emotionally. Some were willing to hold on to the relationship solely on that basis. But it wasn’t for me.

    Sexual orientation is not about who you sleep with but about a combination of sexual and emotional desires. A bisexual partner can never be a substitute for a gay partner who actually is able to fall in love with you.

    1. In my experience bisexuals can fall in love, as deeply as anyone else, with someone of either gender.

    2. Bi-supporter 23 Sep 2013, 5:53pm

      Your post was going so well until you wrote that last sentence.

      I’m a gay man and my bisexual partner of over 3 years is the most loving I’ve ever experienced, bar none.

      I understand that you’ve had difficulties gaining emotional attachment with bisexual men in the past – I’ve had similar difficulties with more than a few gay men – but that’s no excuse for writing off an entire group of people, based on your experience of a limited sample. That can quickly lead to stereotyping and prejudice, something I’m sure most of us on this board are unfortunately all too familiar with.

    3. With an attitude like that perhaps the problem was you.

    4. You assume all bisexual men are like the few you’ve dated. many gay and straight men also struggle to connect emotionally. please don’t limit your ideas based on just a few bad experiences.

    5. jon mallarky 4 Oct 2013, 4:16pm

      Eduard’s is the most honest comment on this thread. Bisexuals are best left to themselves and their duplicity.

  2. Man, I would love to bi! It would be awesome! The homosexual “lifestyle” and the heterosexual “lifestyle”? Paradise or what!

    It takes all kinds to make a world. Some bisexuals are emotionally attracted to both genders, some are emotionally attracted to one. Same with sexual attraction; they are a diverse bunch!

    Being bi has it’s own advantaged and disadvantages; unfortunately they still get the old “greedy” or “in denial” labels thrown at them all too often from both sides; and can feel alienated from the straight and gay communities

    But like I said, they have their advantages and should count their blessings also :)

    Here’s to more bisexual visibility and understanding in the future :) big up the bi’s!

    1. You made me smile, Mr. Pink, thank you :)
      It would indeed be ‘paradise’ to be bisexual if we were more accepted. Unfortunately, when we try to enjoy the advantages, we get slapped on the wrist. But bring it on – I refuse to hide in either closet.
      I cannot speak for all bisexuals but, for me, being told there’s no such thing as bisexual is like having someone say, “What do you mean you like blondes AND brunettes?! That’s not scientifically possible, no-one can be attracted to both. You’re clearly in denial.”
      It just makes no sense to me. Heterosexuality makes no sense to me and homosexuality makes no sense to me.
      But just because I don’t understand, that doesn’t mean it’s not real. I would never dream of telling anyone, “There’s no such thing as straight or gay. Everyone must be bisexual because that’s the only thing that makes sense. You’re all in denial.”
      Heterosexuality and homosexuality are both real (even if they baffle me). I accept and respect that.
      Bisexuality is real, too.

  3. Elston Gunn 26 Sep 2013, 9:48pm

    This is a good comment piece… more than just 8 lines for a change! PN could start by changing its tagline to be more inclusive – and the whole site is very lbt-lite.

    I have to admit as a bisexual who’s only really used this site since following the equal marriage debate, I feel like I’m on a completely different planet to many of the commentariat on here, which at times seems almost as condemnatory and reactionary as those preaching hatred to lgbt. Just look at the opening statement of Eduard, quite remarkable and upsetting – although I thank those who have marked him down.

    I recommend to anyone interested in exploring bisexuality more the recent book by Shiri Eisner which I read over the summer – it is a bit more “academic” but its quite emancipatory. Some people won’t like it of course – she’s highly critical of the white middle class gay male dominance of the lgbt movement.

    Perhaps we should break the movement up and we go our separate ways, I don’t know.

    1. Patrick RichardsFink 27 Sep 2013, 5:08am

      Why in the world should we break away from a movement that we built?

      1. Elston Gunn 27 Sep 2013, 11:13am

        well, I guess the debate is whether we would achieve more on our own or as remaining due to notions of unity and solidarity. Eisner describes the lgbtqa movement in its current form as the “Gay, gay, gay and gay” movement. I’m not entirely how I feel about that, but I certainly feel that in its current form the importance of biphobia is underplayed. Eisner’s main target after tackling heteronormativity, is to tackle “homonormativity” – i.e. the way in which some gay people wish to recreate the monogamous married life of heterosexuals, just with a person of the same sex. It’s a liberationist discourse analysis essentially. Certainly an interesting read in the sense that its getting the debate going.

        And I guess from my perspective, I’m interested in how these groups based on solidarity end up marginalising some of their own community.

  4. Patrick RichardsFink 27 Sep 2013, 1:59am

    Right on, brother. Good piece.

  5. When you reach the “settlement stage” in your life, can you still choose/have both ( guy and gal ) at the same time? How can a BI settle for having two choices in life? If a BI reach the “settlement stage” wanting to settle and choose a specific gender, are they still consider BI? Isn’t it in the end if a BI chooses a specific gender, they consider themselves to be in the right gender preference as a gay or straight? Isnt it that BISEXUALITY is just a stage of “confusion” in finding who they are and what they are and not consider as a gender preference? Just asking… please explain? :)

    1. Well, I can only speak for myself, but I don’t really distinguish between men and women in the first place. As I said in my comment above, it may as well be ‘blonde and brunette’ to me. Do you cease to be attracted to blondes just because you settled down with a brunette? Because that sounds ludicrous to me.
      I’m monogamous by nature- this idea that bisexuals always want a male and a female partner at the same time is a falsehood. What bisexuality means is that we can be with EITHER, not that we want to be with BOTH. I’m sure some bisexuals enjoy threesomes, but then so do some heterosexuals and some homosexuals.
      If I were to marry a man, I would still be bisexual, not straight.
      If I were to marry a woman, I would still be bisexual, not gay.
      Married straight men ogle other women all the time (and vice-versa). Married gay men ogle other men, too (and lesbians other women) etc
      You don’t stop being attracted to others once you’re committed, you just don’t act on it.

      1. As for “choose a specific gender” to marry. That’s not how it is at all.
        We’re with someone we love (male or female) and we think “I love this person, I want to marry him/her.”
        We don’t wake up one morning and think “I’m ready to get married now. Hmm, which gender will I choose?” and then decide on a man and go out looking for a husband!
        There are probably some bisexuals who really, really want children that are biologically both theirs and their partner’s who will try to steer themselves toward an opposite-sex partner to marry for that reason. But even they would still be bisexual after the wedding. It wouldn’t change who they were attracted to.

    2. I might choose chips for dinner, it doesn’t mean I don’t still like eating curry.

  6. E. Carpenter 1 Oct 2013, 5:15pm

    The heterosexual/homosexual split was invented by medical writers in the late 1800s. For a lot of younger people today, and for all people before the late 1800s, sexuality was understood to be personal and situational – who people had sex with, and who they had sexually-tied emotional bonds with, depended on who showed up in their life, how they felt about them, and what their religious beliefs were (those who thought same-sex sex was bad, because that’s what their preachers said, would sometimes stay same-sex celibate, like today).

    In the politics of the 19th and 20th centuries, we evolved a gay identity – it works for me, and that’s how I’ll think of myself for the rest of my life. But I know that it’s a cultural manifestation, not an objective thing. And as a culture, we’re returning to the pre-medical understanding of sexuality, which fits humans better. ‘Bisexuality’ will, at some point again, be just ‘sexuality’.

  7. Do you really care which orifice people use?

  8. It’s hard to be bi because you never feel like you fit in with either the gay or straight community. Contrary to popular belief we dont “have the best of both worlds” but in many ways we can be denied the best of both.

    There is a constant lack of understanding when it comes to bisexuality. Most people believe we are confused, greedy or desperate.

    Personally i feel attracted to a mind, a personality – regardless of the body it inhabits. As far as choosing a life partner, im looking for someone that i love and can love me and i don’t care which gender.

    I’ve had a 5 year relationship with a woman but my first sexual experiences were at a young age with boys of the same age. They were just using me to experiment, and there was never any love from them as a result. It always broke my heart when they ended it saying it was “wrong”.

    Bisexuality is hard to come to terms with and it takes a long time to accept that you are neither gay nor straight. You want to fit in, but don’t.

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